Busy. Busy. Like Busy.

We've been busy. I'm sure if I said it was a good-type of busy John would strongly disagree with that assumption but I find that I thrive when our schedule is a bit chaotic and the days seem to fleet by in an instance. I guess our lives are taking one of those dramatic turns that happens occasionally. You know the kind, where you're just puddling along and all of the sudden there are a million and one changes happening simultaneously. Yes, that's where we're at in life. 

And we're playing T-Ball, which has been a little nerve racking. Albeit, it has been wildly entertaining to watch a passel of small four and five-year-olds bee line it to third base only to realize that they were going the wrong direction. My poor boy has the genetics of his mother and was bred for the warmth of Arizona so a majority of the pictures taken have been those moments of desperation where he thinks his toes and fingers are going to fall off. But cold weather or not we have braved the fields every Saturday and I find that the far off dream of childhood sports is now upon us in full swing and I couldn't be more delighted.

We're also building a home. Yes, a bonafide-no-longer-rental-of-a-home-with-hardwood-and-granite- and-absolutely-under-no-circumstances-will-there-be-carpet-in-the-dining-room kind-of-home. I'm sure you've gathered by now that all the hyphens are to show my utmost disdain for carpet, especially in areas of eating. For two years we've lived in a rental and I feel like a small part of me died when we moved it, many boxes have still remained packaged up, and making memories in a place that has never felt like our own has always been a bit unsettling. The thought of once again having our own home is not only my saving grace right now but it also means I get to start decorating again and I love to decorate. Ask John, he'll roll his eyes...

I would say our level of busy is currently under the somewhat sane tinkering on the edge of crazy stage. We decided long ago to general our own house this go around and so far the work has been tremendously hard, I should clarify that it has been hard John, I just do as I am told and follow orders. It's been so hard in fact that I have made a household rule that the last few minutes of the day have to involve talking about anything other than tile/flooring/carpet/hardwood/porches/decks/light fixtures...just so I can go to sleep without dreaming about our home.

 I'm excited to share the journey with all of you and I'm exciting for all the little details I get to plan and I'm so eeeking (it's not a word, I know) to finally be able to decorate the babes' room with all the items I've collected over the past few years. 

Days to ground breaking: 12 and counting...

Easter 2014

Is it just me or does Spring time directly correlate with insane busy-ness?! It really has been insane-- Easter egg hunts, egg decorating, stealthy Easter egg hiding at five in the morning, deviled egg makins' and such. My head has kind of been spinning. Not to mention John and I both spoke in church on Easter Sunday which turned out to be such a blessing. Throughout the entire week of chaos that Sunday morning really brought into perspective all the things that had been weighing heavily on my mind the past few months and I truly felt so blessed for all that I have--

//This picture may be a new current favorite. If you can't tell...she was really happy.//

"In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances—whatever they may be.” Dieter Uchtdorf.

I hope you all had a great Easter and thank you for all the great messages of support for our little family right now. 

Instagram and a little about where we're at...

I guess I write this post not really knowing what to say, I know a "thank you" is in order for all of those that have helped us over the last month and my heart is full of gratitude for those that have shown us so much love. This past month's roller coaster of emotions felt like the carnival ride that would never end. And between the sickness and pain and sometimes the most somber moments of sadness I've been reminded that being strong is never skin deep. 

Lately, it feels like we've been living in this perpetual state of repetitive questioning, the questions and concerns haven't bothered me and the unceasing love for my family has been a reminder that people are good. Mostly I've been asked  "How are you doing?" at first my reaction was simple and direct about the pain but as time passed I began to realize more and more that I wasn't quite sure how I was doing. So in the most matter-of-fact way I don't really know where my emotions are at these days and I'm fine with not knowing or even understanding them completely. 

Two weeks ago or so John and I decided as a united front that it was time to sell off all our baby items (I know it may seem a bit rash)--basically the whole gamut of swings, clothes, shoes, bouncers, you name it, it's now gone. When it came to finally get rid of it all I had a small panic attack at the years of memories that were filled within each box, but as I went through each item one-by-one only trying to only keep the most precious and memorable pieces a weight slowly lifted off my shoulders. And it wasn't until the last thing finally sold that John and I realized we had made the right decision for our family. It seemed that holding onto each article of clothing and every morsel of babyhood had taken it's toll on us, it was like a small army of baby items had bogged us down in trench that could only be escaped by purging it all. And when it was all gone I cried out of relief and a bit out of guiltiness.

And as with all fresh starts I'm trying to find one for myself as well. We've been steam rolled over the last five years in terms of pregnancies and realizing the burden that each one has placed on our marriage made us realize even more that a break was in order. A break from babies, a break from worrying about the inevitable, a break from dreading the worst, and a break from feeling completely helpless. So we're breaking. I don't know if it's a permanent one or not and while I'm so sad, a sadness that seems so hard to even describe, I know my focus needs to be on being a wife and a mother to the people that I already have in my life.  

And I finished Whole30 yesterday, which has been a small victory for me and big victory for my pants. More on that later. Happy Easter, friends!

A baby.

I was pregnant and now I'm not. The finality of saying it stings more than I hoped it would. We had seen the baby, heard the heart beat and had begun to plan for its little arrival, but after a few months it ended. The heart beat was gone and a little piece of me had died. 

I was strong the first few days, even though the baby was still there, but as the hemorrhaging began I had to witness the loss leaving me. It was hell, in every way imaginable. The sickness, the labor pains, the blood, the passing out, the inability to hold my other children left me crippled for days and at the end of each night the sadness was so strong that I woke up in the morning weak with exhaustion.

Trying to remain strong for myself and my family was virtually impossible. The physical exhaustion left me helpless and at the mercy of others and our devastation was openly evident, it was then that family and friends began to carry our burden. They fed us, cleaned our house, rubbed the knots in my back, and tried to console in the best way possible and for that I will be forever grateful. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives who at a moments notice would jump in the car or run down the street to help us. Thank you, you know who you are.

I thought I could muddle through my emotions after hemorrhaging for four days and then I found out that I would still need to have surgery. It was the crushing blow to an already unbearable situation. I cried. I cried out of sadness. I cried out of exhaustion. I cried out of pain. And when it was all I had left I cried out of sheer hopelessness. This body of my that had been so strong for so long was now fighting me in ways I never imagined and the lack of control left a burdening toll on my every move. Luckily, the surgery was quick which was a welcomed relief from the previous weeks of pain and a sense of recovery had finally been dealt my way. 

Looking back John was the strong one, he always has been. After each of our trialing pregnancies he's known who to call, how to keep our home in order, and what to say to keep us all functioning--he has rarely shown emotion and his calm and collected demeanor has been the anchor to our rocking ship. I would like to think that we could make it through any trial and while there are still things we haven't experienced yet (or may never) I know that through each pain staking experience that has been placed before us he's remained by my side through the tears and the pain. 

In the end, many have told us that we should count our blessings on the miracles that we already have--especially Brecken. And I do, everyday. But it still can't diminish the overwhelming sadness of having another miscarriage and the missed opportunity to be the mother to another child. I know God has a plan and that little by little my pain will heal and my body will find a way to mend, but for now my emotions are raw and the little life that was once there has left me with an emptiness that can't be quenched. It may sound a bit silly to make an issue when there are far worse problems in this world, but today this is my trial and it's one we've suffered before and more than likely we may have to suffer again. I don't know why this trial is ours but I hope someday to understand its meaning. 

For now I will miss my baby, miss the dreams of its future, and miss the hope of being its Momma here on earth. 

I love you baby, wherever you may be. 

to love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you've held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again

-Ellen Bass

Whole 30 (and a recipe)

Last week I started doing Whole30 in a effort to try to get my body back in sync with itself. The program intentionally steers away from calling itself a diet because it's more focused around still eating food (and lots of it) but making a conscious effort to cut out grains, dairy, sugar, and processed foods with the hope of a giving a body a needed break from all the junk that seems to be put into it. 

The first day was hard, my body had become so dependent on sugar that by noon I was suffering from a migraine and shaking hands. Torturing myself didn't seem like enough so I decided to clean out our pantry on day one and it was then that I realized that I had been filling my body with between 200-500 calories of wasted junk a day. A chip here, a cookie there, a few reese's, a sip of coke, a bowl of popcorn--each portion was so small that I didn't think it was really hurting me until I looked at the overall picture and realized my careless eating habits were slowly contributing to a number of health problems. On Day 2 my body seemed to slowly be acclimating to the clean change but I was still so weak, I found that by keeping my body nourished all day long and never letting myself get hungry I was at less of risk of binge eating. 

My journey started with reading "It Starts with Food," this book was such an eye opener to the effects that food have on our bodies. Food can either be the best medicine for us or the drug that ultimately kills us. For weeks I had been procrastinating on starting because excuse after excuse would build up--I have a conference, there are holidays, I'll start on Monday, I'll wait until the Summer....they just kept creeping into my mind. But one quote from the book finally pushed me to the point of starting, "It is not hard. Don't you dare tell us this is hard. Quitting heroin is hard. Beating cancer is hard. Drinking your coffee black. Is. Not. Hard...." It just seemed like there was so many other things in this world that are hard that finding a way to limit the junk intake to my body for 30 days should just be...well, easy.

And the results after just 7 days have been so rewarding. I mean it's really hard to even put it in words. I have a 19-year-old flat stomach again, less bloating, no bags under my eyes, I go to sleep more quickly, I wake up refreshed--it really was the exact medicine I needed. Did I mention the weight loss? It really has been such an eye opener to how my food choices have been negatively impacting my body. 

If you're interested in learning more about Whole30 start here and here. I also have a Pinterest Board with lots of great recipes and tips and tricks if you need more insight. And what would a post be if there was an added bonus, made these bad boys last night and they were delish!

Whole30 Beef (or elk) Fajitas

1-2 Flank Steaks  (we used elk steak)

1 Roma Tomato

1 head of Romaine or Butter Lettuce

2 Ripe Avocados

Red Pepper

White Onion

4 Garlic Cloves

2 Limes

1 Lemon

Cumin

Organic Fajita Seasoning

Onion Powder

Salt and Pepper

Garnish: grape tomatoes and olives

Steak Marinade Recipe:

1 TSP Olive Oil

2 TSP Lime Juice

1 TSP Lemon Juice

1/4 tsp Cumin

1/4 tsp Salt and Pepper

1/2 organic Fajita Seasoning

1/2 tsp onion powder

2 crushed or minced garlic cloves

Guacamole Recipe:

2 Ripe Avocados

1 small Roma Tomatoe

1/4 C diced White Onion

1 TSP Lime Juice

1 tsp Cumin

1 minced garlic clove

Dash of Salt and Pepper

Sauteed Vegetables Recipe:

1 Sliced Red Pepper

1 Sliced White Onion

1 minced Garlic Clove

1 TSP Organic Fajita Seasoning

1/4 tsp Cumin

Olive Oil

Mix marinade ingredients together and pour of steaks. Allow them to marinade at room temperature for 30 minutes. While they steaks marinade mix all guacamole ingredients together and place in refrigerator for cooling. Begin cooking steaks on BBQ, depending on the size of the steak cook for roughly 5 minutes on both sides. While steaks are on the BBQ begin to saute the vegetables and ingredients, cook until the onions are a nice translucent color. Pull steak from the BBQ and thinly slice, mix in with the sauteed vegetables. Serve over lettuce and top with guacamole and tomatoes. 

Enjoy!