Busy. Busy. Like Busy.

We've been busy. I'm sure if I said it was a good-type of busy John would strongly disagree with that assumption but I find that I thrive when our schedule is a bit chaotic and the days seem to fleet by in an instance. I guess our lives are taking one of those dramatic turns that happens occasionally. You know the kind, where you're just puddling along and all of the sudden there are a million and one changes happening simultaneously. Yes, that's where we're at in life. 

And we're playing T-Ball, which has been a little nerve racking. Albeit, it has been wildly entertaining to watch a passel of small four and five-year-olds bee line it to third base only to realize that they were going the wrong direction. My poor boy has the genetics of his mother and was bred for the warmth of Arizona so a majority of the pictures taken have been those moments of desperation where he thinks his toes and fingers are going to fall off. But cold weather or not we have braved the fields every Saturday and I find that the far off dream of childhood sports is now upon us in full swing and I couldn't be more delighted.

We're also building a home. Yes, a bonafide-no-longer-rental-of-a-home-with-hardwood-and-granite- and-absolutely-under-no-circumstances-will-there-be-carpet-in-the-dining-room kind-of-home. I'm sure you've gathered by now that all the hyphens are to show my utmost disdain for carpet, especially in areas of eating. For two years we've lived in a rental and I feel like a small part of me died when we moved it, many boxes have still remained packaged up, and making memories in a place that has never felt like our own has always been a bit unsettling. The thought of once again having our own home is not only my saving grace right now but it also means I get to start decorating again and I love to decorate. Ask John, he'll roll his eyes...

I would say our level of busy is currently under the somewhat sane tinkering on the edge of crazy stage. We decided long ago to general our own house this go around and so far the work has been tremendously hard, I should clarify that it has been hard John, I just do as I am told and follow orders. It's been so hard in fact that I have made a household rule that the last few minutes of the day have to involve talking about anything other than tile/flooring/carpet/hardwood/porches/decks/light fixtures...just so I can go to sleep without dreaming about our home.

 I'm excited to share the journey with all of you and I'm exciting for all the little details I get to plan and I'm so eeeking (it's not a word, I know) to finally be able to decorate the babes' room with all the items I've collected over the past few years. 

Days to ground breaking: 12 and counting...

Easter 2014

Is it just me or does Spring time directly correlate with insane busy-ness?! It really has been insane-- Easter egg hunts, egg decorating, stealthy Easter egg hiding at five in the morning, deviled egg makins' and such. My head has kind of been spinning. Not to mention John and I both spoke in church on Easter Sunday which turned out to be such a blessing. Throughout the entire week of chaos that Sunday morning really brought into perspective all the things that had been weighing heavily on my mind the past few months and I truly felt so blessed for all that I have--

//This picture may be a new current favorite. If you can't tell...she was really happy.//

"In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances—whatever they may be.” Dieter Uchtdorf.

I hope you all had a great Easter and thank you for all the great messages of support for our little family right now. 

A baby.

I was pregnant and now I'm not. The finality of saying it stings more than I hoped it would. We had seen the baby, heard the heart beat and had begun to plan for its little arrival, but after a few months it ended. The heart beat was gone and a little piece of me had died. 

I was strong the first few days, even though the baby was still there, but as the hemorrhaging began I had to witness the loss leaving me. It was hell, in every way imaginable. The sickness, the labor pains, the blood, the passing out, the inability to hold my other children left me crippled for days and at the end of each night the sadness was so strong that I woke up in the morning weak with exhaustion.

Trying to remain strong for myself and my family was virtually impossible. The physical exhaustion left me helpless and at the mercy of others and our devastation was openly evident, it was then that family and friends began to carry our burden. They fed us, cleaned our house, rubbed the knots in my back, and tried to console in the best way possible and for that I will be forever grateful. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives who at a moments notice would jump in the car or run down the street to help us. Thank you, you know who you are.

I thought I could muddle through my emotions after hemorrhaging for four days and then I found out that I would still need to have surgery. It was the crushing blow to an already unbearable situation. I cried. I cried out of sadness. I cried out of exhaustion. I cried out of pain. And when it was all I had left I cried out of sheer hopelessness. This body of my that had been so strong for so long was now fighting me in ways I never imagined and the lack of control left a burdening toll on my every move. Luckily, the surgery was quick which was a welcomed relief from the previous weeks of pain and a sense of recovery had finally been dealt my way. 

Looking back John was the strong one, he always has been. After each of our trialing pregnancies he's known who to call, how to keep our home in order, and what to say to keep us all functioning--he has rarely shown emotion and his calm and collected demeanor has been the anchor to our rocking ship. I would like to think that we could make it through any trial and while there are still things we haven't experienced yet (or may never) I know that through each pain staking experience that has been placed before us he's remained by my side through the tears and the pain. 

In the end, many have told us that we should count our blessings on the miracles that we already have--especially Brecken. And I do, everyday. But it still can't diminish the overwhelming sadness of having another miscarriage and the missed opportunity to be the mother to another child. I know God has a plan and that little by little my pain will heal and my body will find a way to mend, but for now my emotions are raw and the little life that was once there has left me with an emptiness that can't be quenched. It may sound a bit silly to make an issue when there are far worse problems in this world, but today this is my trial and it's one we've suffered before and more than likely we may have to suffer again. I don't know why this trial is ours but I hope someday to understand its meaning. 

For now I will miss my baby, miss the dreams of its future, and miss the hope of being its Momma here on earth. 

I love you baby, wherever you may be. 

to love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you've held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again

-Ellen Bass

Busy good. It's a thing.

 

I've been struggling lately. Struggling to keep my house clean. Struggling to manage the chaos. Struggling to wean myself from breastfeeding Addy (yes, I'm the problem). Struggling to stay awake come 2:30 in the afternoon. Struggling to make dinner every night. Struggling just to keep on keeping on.  But I'm not complaining, I'm just struggling (which is that considered complaining)?  Relay For Life is starting again and I'm in the full swing of recruiting new committee members and while working on some fun events with the school and I'm also on the city planning board so all those years of schooling and multiple degrees are finally getting put to good use on writing grants.  Have you ever written a grant? It's this conundrum where you have to be scientific and fact-based while still  having some semblance of human emotion. yada yada'd lobster bisque (quote that show). I'm boring you...

 

 Anyway, I guess I'm just starting to feel useful again. Like I have a purpose (don't hate me. I know. Mothering is a purpose).  The stay-at-home-mom gig is such a blessing, but it often seems like the most thankless job in the world so to finally be in the world again, working with adults, not having food thrown at me and carrying on a conversation that doesn't involve talking about Lego towers and Angry Birds is kind of refreshing too.  I'm mean, Lego towers are pretty cool though.

 

Have you ever felt like you were just good though? Well we're kind of there right now. We're good busy and living life in perpetual stage of cluttered toys and days old laundry still sitting in the washing machine, but we all seem to be our happiest right now. Except if someone would like to do the laundry and maybe the dishes I wouldn't object, I may even throw in the vacuuming because, well, I'm a giver. naturally. ;)

 

 This is pretty typical. Her distraught face//His, "what? it-wasn't-me" look. You know. typical. But we're still good.

A little corn maze action

 

Last week we took the kids to one of the local corn mazes in town because it just wouldn't be fitting to go all Fall without getting a little straw in our shoes or in the kid's underwear ;)

 

And I'm sure I've mentioned that I'm not the biggest fan of the lack of seasons in Montana. Actually, I'm fairly certain that I've mentioned it more than my fair share of times. Anyway, since having kids I've kind of taken on this new appreciation for what little seasons we do have. You gotta take what you can get, right? Arriving at the corn maze was more than Brecken could handle, the excitement in his voice and eyes was worth every penny of the experience. Seriously, you should have seen it, it was kind of like herding cats...in a shower. Each time we would get stuck in the maze he would yell "DEAD END!" and then as fast as his little legs could carry him he would bombard through the crowd trying to retrace his steps. He didn't care if we made it out or not, and I'm certain that he was a little disappointed when we finally got to the end.

 

At one moment, John was bouncing Addy who was ecstatically giggly as they bounded ahead of us, all the while Brecken was still screaming "DEAD END!" as he tried to catch up to his Dad. The sun was just a sliver along the horizon and was cascading the most beautiful magenta hue along the mountains and in that moment I remember thinking how perfect our life was, and I mean really perfect.  You know what I mean? I guess I sometimes get so caught up in this image of creating perfection for my kids that I forget that just living in the moment is sometimes as close to perfection as they will every need. Does that make sense? When you really think about it some of the sweetest moments in life are the ones that you never planned or expected--this was one of them.

 

 

P.S. My sister introduced me to Bastille a few months ago and I'm still obsessed. This song is on my workout playlist. For some reason it just gets the juices flowing.

Finding a Taco.

||gah, I hate it when the best pictures are out-of-focus|| tear. 

These kids. Gosh I love them, but this last week has been one for the books. And I mean "theee books." Colds, coughs, and a bad case of the I-will-throw-every-single-toy-away-so-help-me just made for one long week. And to top it all of yesterday I was digging in my purse and I found a taco, yes a taco. A taco that I purchased last week in fact. And it still looked relatively edible, which in itself has me questioning our choice of eateries.

And just so this post has some relationship to the photos above a few weeks ago we took a little drive to one of John's colleagues homes so the kids to see all her baby animals  when the weather was still warm and the snow hadn't yet blanketed the mountains. There really are not words to describe the majestic beauty of her home. It's deep in the canyon and rests high on the mountainside giving her one of the million dollar views. And unfortunately I only had my 50mm lens so catching the beauty of it all was a bit impossible.  bummer.

This occasion, like many others, made us realize that Brecken thrives when he has room to run. He little body has the biggest personality and sometimes letting him explore and figure out the world through his own fingertips seems to somehow sooth his explosive soul. He really was in his mecca of choice. Animals to feed and the prettiest blue and brown eggs to gather made his eyes glow with wonder. Addy on the other hand has always been a bit more reserved, less likely to run away and always looks to us for reassurance before petting an animal or going out on her own. 

Their personalities never seem to clash with one another but seem to compliment each other in the areas they need most--Brecken helps his sister explore and his big caring heart always seems aware of her shyness and need for extra love and gentleness. Addy's personality is more nurturing and she'll often lay next to Brecken on the couch softly caressing his hair, which seems to be one of the only times other than sleeping where he'll remain motionless. Ironic, I think not. And I crave those times where they seem to dote on one another, what mother wouldn't?

It was a good day, and here's to more of them this Fall (which in our case Fall lasted approximately 4.5 days then the snow hit). And here's to no more taco-shenanigans in my purse.  

Runny Noses and Fall.

It only seemed fitting that we should welcome in Fall with a round of colds and runny noses. Why didn't anyone fill me in on the runny nose dilemma before I had kids?  It's embarrassing  how many times I've gone into public and only then noticed "Oh hey, snot on my boob. Oh hey, snot in my hair." I'm sure you can imagine how the whole conversation went down when John got to work and realized he had snot in his crotch. We've both succumb to the fact that we'll be living in a perpetual state of runny noses and dirty shirts and pants for the next 18 years. 

But we're on the mend (except for the runny noses) and for the first year in a long time I'm excited for Fall. Nobody does Fall that we do. Maybe the East Coast can compete with their trees, but really when you think about it, it's totally a Montana thing. And really, why can't we have just one thing?

Okay, bare with me. Imagine, a rustic log cabin situated along a slow rushing creek with the sound elk bugling deep on the mountain side, a fire smoldering in corner with burly men adorned in camo tracking muddy boots through the kitchen after an early morning hunt. The honking of Canadian Geese trekking their way south with the slow rustling on pine trees by the crisp morning breeze. Fall is mountain-y, rugged, layered in flannel, and coated in the sweet scent of apple pie and beef stew. I mean come on, it just sounds like Montana. 

But maybe I'm wrong. Come see, we'll give you a taste of our Fall and maybe a runny nose too.

Labor Day

Growing up the first week of September meant the beginning of the end of rodeo season, the wearing of black hats, greasy burgers, and miles on the road. This year I packed this kids into the car and took them home to watch my Dad participate in a local ranch rodeo. I haven't rodeod in years, but it's still like second nature to me. You know what I mean? Maybe not about rodeoing, but having a passion that's so strong that no matter how far you are removed from it you could easily pick it up again as if you never stopped.   And ironically, even though we live in a small ranching community the opportunity for the kids to ride horses is somewhat limited and at times it makes me sad knowing that some of my most cherished experiences may never be experienced by my own babes.

Anyway, John's parents also believe in the literal meaning of being laborious on Labor Day. We (not me, I was chasing kids) spent the better part of a night picking apples from their orchard, dividing the good from the bad, cutting out worm holes, and pressing to making juice. Have you ever made homemade apple juice before? Really, the experience was less about making juice and more about the time we got to spend as family. I feel so blessed to have been born in and married to such amazing families. I mean I really scored in that department. Like won the lottery kind of lucky.

Anyway (again, geeze). So we're not much of the organic eaters. I mean, I'll buy some organic things, but I'm not one of those fanatics (yes, I call them that) that have organic eggs, milk, cheese, cereal, soap, cheese, crackers...underwear (or not). I still feed my kids Kraft Mac n' Cheese and I occasionally pop through McDonald's when I'm in a rush. But I'm a huge fun of locally-grown especially when we've labored to help grow such foods. Being able to then drink apple juice that we had picked and pressed was such a fun lesson to teach Brecken about living off the land. 

And even though my these little babes of mine may not have the same experiences as me I am so thankful that I get to raise them in a place where family comes first and where a love of the land is a way of life.

Come to Montana, you'll see.

And don't forget to enter the Jamberry giveaway!

The ridiculous act of picture taking

When we were little my Mom would make us pose at destinations around the country for our obligatory "I-was-here" picture. doo-zies, I tell ya!  Remind me to show you the one from Copper Mountain, Colorado, sometime, I instantaneously coined the phrase "big hair don't care" in that one. Anyway, my sweet Mom would call the day a success if she could get one of us to smile or at the very least be facing towards the camera.

Annnnd flash forward to our teen years, it was the same scenario but with a resonating I-hate-this-and-why-are-we-in-ridiculously-matching-outfits undertone attached to each family portrait.  Did I mention the pictures still wreak of teenage estrogen and tears of self-pity and loathing to this day? We were a sad and dramatic bunch of girls. My poor little brother had no choice other than to submit himself to years of a tortured existence with three older sisters... 

And then I had kids of my own and now I understand. Holy hell it's hard to photograph kids. And as luck would have it mine are no different than any other baby out there--hyped up on sugar and wired to run as soon as the camera comes out. #gofigure

The point is I end up taking hundred no looking/screaming/zombie gazed/picking the nose pictures for every gem in the rough. It has crossed my mind a few times to start a Tumbler feed dedicated to the awful pictures of my kids. Because lets be real, the awful ones sometimes are way better then the perfect pictures.

Gosh, thank goodness this sort of technology wasn't around twenty years ago or who knows what my parents would have posted...

Lately

Lately we've been living in this perpetual state of chaos. Good chaos, but cha-oooos nonetheless. Actually, I'm not sure if good chaos is even a real "thing" or if it's just a excuse parents use to not pull their hair out, but I use it boldly and with conviction as if it's the only thing keeping me sane these days. Which if you must know my sanity teeters on the brink of insanity most days.

Either way this summer has been one for the books and it's been so.much.fun. The kids blossomed and have finally come into their own and the joy of watching them play together has been worth all the tears, tantrums, and hours spent in the car. And not to mention I wasn't pregnant for the first summer in a looong time. halle-freakin'-lujah. All of our travels have turned us into quite the road rats this summer and with each trip my inner-country star has been singing "On the road again..." which got old after the first trip but I keep racking my brain for another road tripping song, but nothing seems quite as fitting as Willie himself. So it's stuck.

Anyway, we're home, rested, and tackling the breeding pile of laundry and mail. Two trips left to tackle and then we might be ready to dive head on into birthdays and the Holidays. So basically, it's as if life never slows down around here. Which is for the best because the bored Halsey usually resorts to online shopping, unfortunately for John...

Denver Zoo

We spent the better part of last in Denver for a family wedding. It was called a vacation, but the kids erratic sleeping patterns and a good dose of heat rash/heat exhaustion led to some long days and even loooonger nights, which in my mind completely cancels out the word "vacation" to then be replaced with the more appropriate term of lets-all-make-it-home-alive. But I'm sure all family vacations end with a good threat of never traveling again...

Zoo. The Denver Zoo. where do I begin?

We like the zoo. And we like visiting on 90* degree days. Seems fitting I suppose. And now that we're home I have a inkling suspicion that the heat exhausting/heat rash all stemmed from our little zoo trip. No matter the case, our kids are animal mongers. They thrive on the excitement of any animal they can get their little paws around, I mean really ANY animal. And the zoo has always been a great place to see the animals from a distance and not have to worry about the after effects of Brecken going into a full-on asthma attack. It's kind of like the best dream ever for this Mom. 

And usually when we go to the zoo I am pretty good with the hotness and I can tolerate a good dose of body sweat but, a big BUT, our day at the zoo was bru-tal. No amount of ICEE induced coma could cool our bodies, and the skinny jeans were causing a serious "swaz" issue in all the wrong places. Not to mention the radiating heat coming from the concrete all added to one-hot-motha' of a day. Our only saving grace was the Gorilla observatory and spending the good time staring at the sleeping Hyenas, which if you've never seen one they are surprisingly big (not like the little yappy things in the Lion King), and consuming $50 dollars worth of liquid which I'm sure is the reason that all zoo's stay in business.

Anyway. Denver Zoo, invest in some of those nice water spray fans I promise you will make every Momma happy (this one included).