Why I don't live in Hollywood, and the day I met The Pioneer Woman

On Friday night I went to a book signing by The Pioneer Woman. Ree was hill-arious, and gorgeous, and smart, and sassy, and a little bit awkward at times.

Ree loves Charlie (her basset hound), I totally relate I loved Daisy, she was my basset hound, there is just something about the droopy eyes and saggy ears.... Anyway, sorry for the brief moment, Ree loves Charlie so she sang a song, not to music, just by herself on the stage for us to hear. She even sang as though she was Charlie, and then she sang as though she was singing to Charlie. I guess you just had to be there, it was awkward/hilarious/and a once in a lifetime experience.

Then I got to meet Ree. This was the second awkward moment of the night. I had this whole speech of what I was going to say to her, and I planned to blow her world by being so stinkin' funny. Then I got to the front of the line and my palms got sweaty, my mind went blank and I started to shake. It was kind of like this...

Yeah, I was like Ralphy. Totally speechless, then she started talking and she said, "Man, I'm hot and sweaty" and I was like, "Yeah, I am totally sweating too." I really said it, not going to lie. Then I said, "Can I hug you?" and she totally let me, even after our brief sweating conversation and as I was hugging her I kept thinking, "Man, Ree smells good." Then I got mortified and realized I hadn't showered for two days because I heard that a little grease in the hair is a great beauty tip so I am sure she was thinking, "Yep, she really is sweaty".

Then, I walked away--shaking and in awe. I learned two things from this experience. One, I should never mention my bodily discharges, especially when I am trying to make a good first impression. Secondly, I should never live in Hollywood because I am sure I will pee my pants if I run into Sandra Bullock or Brad Pitt.

And, I did get one good picture. I crack under pressure, folks. Seriously, crack. I am not going to be running for President anytime soon because when that one pivotal moment in my Presidency requires me to make a decision to save our human race...well, I would be hiding under the desk in the oval office.