Both my babies are asleep right now. It's a Monday miracle if I do say so myself. It couldn't come at a better time--Brecken decided to cover his bedding, bed frame, walls, and shoes in marker.
This little soiree occurred sometime in the night and this morning Hunk woke me up bubbling about how he went down to check on Brecken and found him wearing shoes while still fast asleep. Later, when I ventured downstairs to catch a glimpse of my sleeping babe I was not drawn to his cute little shoes, but rather to the football field-sized drawing on the wall...in marker that protruded onto his bed, and blankets, and himself. How did you miss that Hunk?
Our little lady is two-and-a-half weeks old and she already has a cold. Sad day for all. Lots of sniffles, soft tissues on her nose, and gentle cuddles seem to be all that I can offer her, Oh yes, and food. I can give her that. I am little a walking milk manufacturer. I quite possibly could go into commercial production.
Addison has truly been an amazing blessing to our lives. I never imagined that I could love someone so unconditionally in such a short time, but it seems that with each day my love for my children continues to grows.
Sitting here, it seems so surreal that Addison has come into our lives and has already created such a profound impact on our hearts. Now looking back on the months of pregnancy--the surprise, the excitement, the nervousness, the heartache, the weight gain, the heartburn, the bathroom breaks, the doctors visits, the needles, each obstacle seems so distance and so minuscule.
I don't actually remember the day I found out I was pregnant Addison. I should, but I don't. I do remember shortly after finding out, while sprawled out on the bathroom floor thinking, "Am I strong enough? Can I really go through with this? What if I lose this baby too?" I hyperventilated for awhile and then threw up again. and again. and again.
Sadly, in the beginning I regretted getting pregnant. I was still feeling the physical pain of my ectopic pregnancy and neither Hunk nor myself could bare the thought of having to deal with the emotional toll of another premature birth as well. It was really a lot to take in at one time, but I powered through it focusing as much attention as I could on Brecken.
Over time the pregnancy became more real and less frightening. My nose began to sense smells like that of a blood hound, my boobs began to grow, and my jeans began to get a bit more snug. Doctors visits were numerous because I was considered "high risk" and the receptionists and nurses were sweet enough to adopt Brecken during each visit so I go have my weekly ultrasound appoint and blood drawings.
By the time thirty weeks rolled around I was ready for the baby to come. Silly me--she had other plans in mind. But when you are used to having babies early, each additional day you go over just seems like torture and for me that was eleven long weeks.
Because of the drastic circumstances with Brecken and the need for an immediate C-Section--I was adamant about having a natural birth with baby number two. Oh, I pushed for it. When week 37 came along the baby was still sitting comfortably in breech position and she had no ideas of going anywhere. anytime soon. The same could also be said for the following three weeks as well, but she did turn. hallelujah. When my due date came and went the doctors began looking at other options.
I remember sitting in the doctors office while my doctor talked about how I wouldn't qualify for induction because of this being a V-BAC. She stated that there was always the option of a repeat C-Section. I again declared that I would only have a natural birth, but by this time my cervix had already been stripped three times and I was still only dilated two centimeters. Not the best case scenario for a woman in my position.
Finally, reality hit me when another doctor suggested that the longer past my due date I went the more difficult it would be for me to have a V-BAC and that ultimately if the baby didn't come soon I would have to do a C-Section for the safety of both of us. With that said a C-Section was scheduled and as a last ditch effort my cervix was stripped for a fourth time the day before Addison's birth.
Walking back to the car I cried. No, I more like sobbed. I yearned for the experience to have a baby on my own. I wanted to experience the proverbial "birthing from my loins." At that moment I felt like less of a mother, maybe even less of a human being. I always imagined childbirth would be easy. It was for my mother, so why shouldn't it be easy for me? I wanted to feel the pain that came along with birth and know that at the end of the pain would be the most amazing gift--life.
As I sobbed through the tears, I couldn't help but reflect on how disconnected and even lonely I felt through Brecken's birth. The thought of experiencing that again made me sick to my stomach. So much that when I sat in the car I started to black out from a combination of crying, lack of oxygen, and I am sure hyperventilation.
As I sat there crying, all the while still holding Brecken he looked up at me with his piercing blue eyes and said "I sorry" while trying to hold back tears of his own. I knew then that even though he wasn't brought into this world through the most perfect means, he was a perfect little boy. And I knew that no matter what way she came into this world it wouldn't diminish my desire or her need for me to be her mother.
To be continued...