Crap Happens...

Today was a crappy day. No, not in the figurative sense, but literally.

 For the last few weeks I have had this sty on my eye. I named it Ernie. Ernie is nice and all, but I figured I needed to start wearing make up again. 

Whaaaat? makeup? Yeah, I wear it sometimes...

So I decided that today would be that day that Ernie and I would part paths.

This afternoon I was running into town really quickly to mail a few packages and on a whim I decided to see if the doc had an opening to discuss my Ernie situation. 

 When I arrived at the Doctor's office Punk did he usual thing--flirt with the receptionists, tear up some books, eat random kid's snacks, run smack into a door.

My kid is really well-behaved, any takers on babysitting?

When the doctor was finally able to see us we chatted while Punk played with that funky light that goes into woman's whoo-ha. Yeah, he was playing with that thing.

Somewhere between the "how's your summer" and "boy, does your kid have a lot of energy" Punk pooped his pants and it wasn't just the little pebble kind. No, he pooped old faithful all the way up and out his diaper.

And of course he would poop his pants on the one day where I didn't bring my diaper bag.

Luckily, the doc got called out of the room for an emergency phone call and while he was gone I frantically tried to assess the situation I had before me.

While he was out his kind nurse poked her head in to see how we were doing while I was frantically opening up every drawer in the exam room trying to find a diaper. She had sympathy on me so she helped track down a diaper and some make-shift kind of wipes so my kid wouldn't have to sit in his own filth for the next hour.

Disaster averted.

No.No.No. (kind of like. Ho.Ho.Ho., but without the joyful glee...)

As the nurse left I thought to myself, "Oh I will just change him on the exam table"...because I didn't want the doc to come back in while I elbow deep in my son's poop on the floor. 

I should have known there would be a problem because as soon as I set him on the exam table he started to squirm around and play with the paper that was covering the front of the seat. As I pushed him back he continued to squirm.

As I pulled the diaper back and began to change him he suddenly got the urge to grab the medical exam paper again. At that exact moment I saw everything happen in slow motion.

The dirty diaper went skidding out from underneath him. My hands reached out to grab it, only to grasp a large, warm, clump of crap.

As I shrieked in terror, Punk began to laugh hystarically thus wiping him crappy bum all over the exam table which was now absent of any exam paper.

As I dropped the diaper it began to slide down my body before coming to rest on the floor, crap side down.

At the moment I could hear the doctor returning so I rushed. I was like the love child of Buzz Lightyear and Lightning McQueen.

Yeah, I was that fast.

Before the doc even got the door opened I had disinfected my hands, cleaned up my kid and the exam table, wiped the poop of the floor, and myself, and managed to get rid of all incriminating evidence in a matter of seconds. 

As the doctor walked in his first was reply was, "Wow, you must know how to entertain your child because he sure sounded like he was having fun."

My reply, "Riiigggghht, you have no idea...."

And this was his face as we left the doctor's office. Complete satisfaction in a job well done.

Now excuse me while I go shower...again....