Crap Happens...

posted on: Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Today was a crappy day. No, not in the figurative sense, but literally.

 For the last few weeks I have had this sty on my eye. I named it Ernie. Ernie is nice and all, but I figured I needed to start wearing make up again. 

Whaaaat? makeup? Yeah, I wear it sometimes...

So I decided that today would be that day that Ernie and I would part paths.

This afternoon I was running into town really quickly to mail a few packages and on a whim I decided to see if the doc had an opening to discuss my Ernie situation. 
 When I arrived at the Doctor's office Punk did he usual thing--flirt with the receptionists, tear up some books, eat random kid's snacks, run smack into a door.

My kid is really well-behaved, any takers on babysitting?

When the doctor was finally able to see us we chatted while Punk played with that funky light that goes into woman's whoo-ha. Yeah, he was playing with that thing.

Somewhere between the "how's your summer" and "boy, does your kid have a lot of energy" Punk pooped his pants and it wasn't just the little pebble kind. No, he pooped old faithful all the way up and out his diaper.

And of course he would poop his pants on the one day where I didn't bring my diaper bag.
Luckily, the doc got called out of the room for an emergency phone call and while he was gone I frantically tried to assess the situation I had before me.

While he was out his kind nurse poked her head in to see how we were doing while I was frantically opening up every drawer in the exam room trying to find a diaper. She had sympathy on me so she helped track down a diaper and some make-shift kind of wipes so my kid wouldn't have to sit in his own filth for the next hour.

Disaster averted.

No.No.No. (kind of like. Ho.Ho.Ho., but without the joyful glee...)

As the nurse left I thought to myself, "Oh I will just change him on the exam table"...because I didn't want the doc to come back in while I elbow deep in my son's poop on the floor. 

I should have known there would be a problem because as soon as I set him on the exam table he started to squirm around and play with the paper that was covering the front of the seat. As I pushed him back he continued to squirm.

As I pulled the diaper back and began to change him he suddenly got the urge to grab the medical exam paper again. At that exact moment I saw everything happen in slow motion.

The dirty diaper went skidding out from underneath him. My hands reached out to grab it, only to grasp a large, warm, clump of crap.

As I shrieked in terror, Punk began to laugh hystarically thus wiping him crappy bum all over the exam table which was now absent of any exam paper.

As I dropped the diaper it began to slide down my body before coming to rest on the floor, crap side down.

At the moment I could hear the doctor returning so I rushed. I was like the love child of Buzz Lightyear and Lightning McQueen.

Yeah, I was that fast.

Before the doc even got the door opened I had disinfected my hands, cleaned up my kid and the exam table, wiped the poop of the floor, and myself, and managed to get rid of all incriminating evidence in a matter of seconds. 

As the doctor walked in his first was reply was, "Wow, you must know how to entertain your child because he sure sounded like he was having fun."

My reply, "Riiigggghht, you have no idea...."

And this was his face as we left the doctor's office. Complete satisfaction in a job well done.

Now excuse me while I go shower...again....



  1. Bad Boo Boo. Bahahahaha! Did you get the Ernie situation taken care of, b-t-dubs?

  2. Oh no, that is one hell of a story, clearly Ernie has completely irrelevant by the end, with that poo catastrophe!! He looks pretty pleased with himself, mind you, aren't ALL boys just so much more delightful after having a bowel movement (father's included??!!) I'm just glad the nurse didn't think you were a mad druggie desperate for something from all the drawers you were opening & rifling through!! Love Posie

  3. oh my goodness...I am giggling out loud here! :)

  4. HA HA!! I can imagine the mortification, but man, that's funny. :-)

  5. Oh man I have so been there... well not actually there, it was in an airplane bathroom and we hit turbulence... Needless to say my son thought it was hilarious and I was mortified... it was everywhere and those bathrooms are teeny tiny... Thanks for the chuckle, and the stroll down nightmare lane :)

  6. Oh my goodness, I'm so pleased this kinda thing happens to others too! I hate having to take my boys to the doctors, the last time Ethan pulled the plug on her computer, OMG!

  7. Awesome! I too had a poopy moment yesterday, but it was thankfully at home and only involved poop all over the crib and my daughter's hands. Yours was definitely worse and I can't believe you had it cleaned up so quickly!

  8. Wow, what an unbelievable story. You poor thing. It's a good thing moms get so adept at cleaning up quickly. Nice save!!

  9. Hilarious, for the rest of us anyway, it must have been nerve racking to say the least. Was he able to help with your eye?

  10. OMG! I have had days like this too. Of course it is always more funny when it is not you it is happening too! I'm sure it makes you want to start potty training!

    When I went for my 6-week check up after having my first son, I fed him before we went and planned that he would be sleeping during the appointment. We had to wait over an hour, and then by the time to doctor came into the room to check out my whoo-ha (as you so nicely put it- LOL) he was done with his cat nap and ready to eat again. Oh NO! He started crying and crying, and I started leaking milk. OMG! I had FORGOTTEN those bra pad things - milk was soaking through my shirt. All of a sudden I started sweating with nervousness and then before I knew it crying! Thank goodness the doctor suggested she come back in a few minutes to let me feed the now screaming child of mine. After we got to the car I cried again with my now sweat and milk soaked shirt. Looking back it was just a comedy and I can't wait to tell my son when he grows up!

  11. Ahahahahah Hilarious! I'm sorry my laughter is at your expense ;P


  12. I tried not to laugh too hard in fear of bad karma... but oh my goodness this was hillarious! Can't wait to have kids ...

  13. What did the doc say a/b Ernie? I get sty's a lot....I have big time allergies and my eyes drive me crazy. Just put a warm compress on it and hopefully you can get the stuff out of it. If not, hopefully doc game you some e-mycin for the eye! :)


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